A breakup is a very painful little death to experience. But we can heal from it provided we follow the stages of this mourning to open up again to life and love.
Advice and testimonials
“Our hearts break. Our efforts, whether healthy or not, have failed. We are belittled, rejected after giving our best. The person we love most in the world denies us their love; it is a drama”.
Those words says a lot. In any case, they confirm the intensity of the emotions that we can feel: tears, sadness, anger, incomprehension, relief, regret, revolt, jealousy, dejection.
In the hours, the days following a breakup, our hearts go through all the colors of the rainbow.
What to do, what to say, how to live again?
The first step is quite natural: it is good to let your tears well up, to not keep this tumultuous flow in yourself, to put your suffering into words and to recognize it.
Often, one can be tempted to deny pain in order to protect oneself. To flee in work, alcohol, drugs. But the pain will still come back and you risk hurting yourself even more.
It is true that suffering is not very trendy. Often, those around you also strive to deny your grief with clumsy words
“Don’t put yourself in such a state, it wasn’t worth it”.
“Go out, take your mind off it”.
And yet,
“At the heart of the pain of love, the recognition of the pain is an essential passage to manage to mourn”,explain the psychologists.
Tears are lifesaving, so cry and don’t be afraid to speak up and express your grief!
Express all your emotions, confide in your loved ones.
At the same time, don’t lock yourself in your ivory tower. You’ll express your feelings all the better if you can share them with someone.
Try to find a friendly and discreet ear or if not, join a discussion forum, or call an anonymous listening.
We know less about it, but marriage and family counselors can also receive young people and single people. If you are very ill and it lasts, do not hesitate to consult a psychologist.
Talking to someone gradually calms down. The sadness is still there, but it is less intense and less likely to suffocate you.
Stop looping memories!
Talking to someone also helps not to rehash the same questions over and over again
“I didn’t know the reason why he left me, he didn’t blame me for anything, I asked myself so many questions but no answers”.
So as not to repeat these same questions over and over again, to escape the torture of memories, try to change your habits a little: if you can, eliminate objects that make you think of your ex, do not return to places where you have experienced things together, change hobbies, place of relaxation, decor, group of friends.
Point of vigilance
However, avoid making overly important decisions and making irremediable choices as long as you are under the influence of emotions. It is not in the storm that one can calmly take stock.
Don’t change your job, your course of study, don’t go on a trip to the other side of the world impulsively, but pursue the course of your life and let the tumult of your heart subside little by little. You will then be able to open yourself to new paths.
It’s over: stop trying to win back your ex.
One of the first steps in healing is therefore to admit the breakup, and therefore to give up trying to pick up the pieces of the relationship. The nostalgia of the good times lived together mixed with the hope of reconquering him or her keeps you in trouble.
You keep looking back, which doesn’t help you move forward. If you’ve been left behind, you also have to come to terms with that great sense of loss of control, even injustice that you feel.
“Realism is the first step to take, explains Isabelle Nicolas, marriage counselor. It is in this phase that we mourn the couple we have formed. back to the concrete, to reality”.
So accept to find yourself alone, still single and without a lover. It’s of course a little hard but it also gives you a freedom that you have to know how to enjoy.
Sometimes, moreover, it was the lack of freedom that caused the breakup: “She was suffocating me, I was not ripe for a life as a couple, I wanted to take advantage of my life as a single student”, recognizes Johann .
And besides, your couple, your darling was it so extraordinary? Returning to reality is also an opportunity to take a step back.
Didn’t you idealize it a bit? “Many young people think that he (she) was romantic, in love (se) but without any real proof of their partner, the words having never been said openly”, explains Isabelle Nicolas.
It’s time to take a more objective look at the one you loved and the relationship you had. This will make it easier for you to tell yourself that it’s over.
Getting to know each other better, gaining emotional maturity
The breakup is an emotional wound that can sometimes awaken childhood wounds and old fears in some people.
“People who have suffered (in their childhood) from the feeling of abandonment are the most affected by breakups”.
Those who have been teased or humiliated and lack self-confidence may also feel very devalued by the breakup or abandonment.
If the separations are repeated and you suffer a lot, this is an opportunity to reflect on your weaknesses, perhaps with the help of a psychologist.
By the way, some also better understand their responsibility for the breakup. You can then take positives from your “failed” love experience: get to know yourself better, understand what you want from love, what works and what you need to change.
In the end, you can come out of it more mature and better equipped to succeed in another love story!
